


Abomination

by pretive



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Comfort, M/M, Makeup, Panic Attack, Phan - Freeform, Phandom - Freeform, Phanfiction, Religion, Sad, anxiety attack, dans dad is a dick, dans mom is a peach, homophobic, message me on tumblr (@pretive) if i need to add more tags, phanfic, phil is kinda a jerk at the beginning, post smut scenes, potentially triggering scenes, religious homophobia, slight but barely there bullying, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-24 01:25:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12002040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretive/pseuds/pretive
Summary: you shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination-In which Dan's father is a preacher, and Dan has just slept with Phil for the first time.





	Abomination

Dan walked down the hallway, caved in on himself. Eyes stared from all around, at least that was how it felt. Everyone seemed to be watching him, whispering the same things behind his back.

'Dan Howell lost his virginity to a boy.'

Which would have been more surprising if half the school didn't already suspect Dan and Phil's odd relationship.

Phil stared away from him, jaw clenched. He didn't know what was running through Dan's mind, why he had yelled at him, told him to get out.

"Phil, can I talk to you?" Dan asks softly, and a voice that isn't Phil answers for him.

"He doesn't want you around him right now." It's PJ, and maybe that's why it stings so much when he hears it, because PJ was his friend too.

Dan's voice is gentle and faint. "Please?"

Phil's jaw stays clenched and Dan nods a little and walks away. His eyes water and he looks down so no one will see when the first tear falls.

The days goes by slowly and silently, his heart beating over the voices of teachers and whispers over the beat of his heart.

It's not much of a relief when he gets home, but at least no one was whispering behind his back.

The entire thing happens in a minute or less, but it feels like forever from the time he sets his bag down to the time he sees his mother sitting on his bed and his father standing with his arms crossed in the corner.

"What's this Daniel?" His mother asks, while his father uses a glove to hold up a used condom. _Phil said he took it with him to throw away._

"A, it's a condom, look I can explain-"

"You keep your mouth shut until we say that you can talk." His father commands. "Who was it? Be honest, because we'll be calling their parents and speaking to them. Speak." Dan's eyes water and tears spill over.

"F-father please don't." Dan begs and his father sets the condom on his dresser and grabs his wrists, pulling him further into the room. 

"Tell me, now." Dan cries without replying, knowing that he's not going to get out of this one. 

His father pushes him back on the bed and yells at him. 

"It's Phil, it was Phil." He cries out, and his father is still and silent for no longer than three seconds before a hand comes down on his cheek. 

His mother gasps and his father spits out a few words menacingly. "I'm going over to their house to speak to his parents, and you will be out of this house by tomorrow evening. I will not have an abomination living under my roof!" His father shouts and he stalks out of the room. His mother tries to put a hand out to console him but Dan flinches, and she walks out without another word.

He lays on his side until he stands up slowly to inspect the damage on his eye and cheek, when he sees three faces staring back at him out of the window adjacent to his. Dan pulls the curtain shut and moves over to the mirror. 

It's swelling, definitely, but it should be gone in a few days if he iced it correctly. If he's able to find ice wherever he goes.

He shuts the light off and jumps a little at the sound of his phone buzzing from where it fell onto the bed. It's got a crack from where he'd been pushed back into it, and little splinters go into his finger when he swipes to see the text that made it buzz.

_From Contact Phil: Are you okay?_   
_From Contact Phil: I saw what happened are you alright?_   
_From Contact Phil: Your dad is over here talking to my parents_

_To Contact Phil: You promised me you took the condom with you_

_From Contact Phil: I was angry and left it, I'm sorry. Is that what this is all about_   
_From Contact Phil: Dan your dad just left please tell me you're ok_

Dan doesn't have the chance to reply before his father is back in his room, slamming the door and locking it behind him. The lights turn on and he pushes Dan back. Dan tries to find balance but only succeeds in pulling back the curtain halfway. 

"How dare you in the name of God betray us like this! You're an abomination to this world, Daniel. I didn't raise you like this." Dan's back hits the edge of the dresser hard and he weakly gasps in pain while his father pushes him down on the bed. Dan opens his eyes to see his father pulling off his belt, and in the blink of an eye there's a snap and a welt begins to form on the skin of his torso. 

It feels like forever, the belt coming down to hit him, primarily in the stomach and face, until he lets one last whip hit him on the throat, leaving him gasping for air as his father yells curse at him in the name of God.

Dan is curled up tightly, shaking in pain, fear, and exhaustion. He can see into the adjacent room, and he hopes that no one was watching when that happened. There was a slim chance that he would be at school tomorrow, but even if he wasn't, he never wanted anyone to see that.

Dan moves slowly to get up and turn off the light, pulling the curtain closed on his way. He ignores the buzzing happening on his nightstand, too worried about tomorrow to care about what Phil had to say.

-

He wakes to an alarm and a harsh hand shaking him awake.

"Get up, you're going to pack while I'm at work. It's in your best interest to be gone before I get home." His Dad sneers and slams his door. 

Every part of him aches and he wants to start crying when he stands. Leaning down to grab his phone and shut his alarm of nearly kills him, but he manages and sits back down.

_From Contact Phil: Dan come to your window so I know you're alright_   
_From Contact Phil: Dan please tell me if you're okay i need to make sure you're okay_   
_From Contact Phil: Will you be at school?_   
_From Contact Phil: I want to see you._

_From Unknown: this is Chris are you okay_   
_From Unknown: do we need to help you?_

_From Contact PJ: Dan, we're all worried for you. I don't know what all happened between you and Phil but your safety comes before any arguments and fights. Please message one of us so we can help you or at least know you're okay._

Dan doesn't reply.

Throughout the day he receives more and more texts from different friends that had just been avoiding him a day earlier. 

It's slow for the hour between when his father wakes him up to the moment Dan's father leaves the driveway, which is when his mum rushes upstairs to help.

"I'm so sorry, love sit please." She's close to tears as she helps him back to the bed and checks over his bruises and some cuts created by the belt. "How long?" She asks gently.

Dan hums under his breath. "How long of what?" 

"How long were you two together?" She presses a cool rag to his neck where lines made their way across. 

Dan chokes up before he can say a word, and his mum shushes him. He eventually musters enough calm to speak. "Coming up eleven months. I fought with myself over this exact thing. I hated myself for being like this-" Dan chokes up again and it hurts to tense like he is. "I love him and I wanted to be with him but Dad. I was terrified to hold his hand in private in fear of you guys. 

"So when we did this I panicked and tried to get him to take the condom with him. I thought he had. But he was angry so he left it, and they ignored me at school when I tried to talk to them and then last night- why do I fuck everything up?" He sobs out, and he hurts physically and emotionally. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm going to help you pack and then I'm taking you to a hotel where you can stay until I figure everything out, I'll pay for everything. I, I'll figure it out, you'll just stay there and I'll try to help you the best that I can." Dan looks at his mum and hugs her gently, trying not to move too much. "Let's pack and try to get you away from here before he gets home."

_From Contact Phil: Im coming over after school_

_To Contact Phil: don't you're only going to make things worse i won't be here anyways_

_From Contact Phil: make what worse? Where are you going to be? Is everything okay? Why can't i see you?_   
_From Contact Phil: Please don't pick now to shut me out again_

_To Contact Phil: i have every right to ignore you if i want to_

Dan leaves it at that and starts to pack.

-

His mum is frantically piling all of the stuff into the car when Phil arrives home from school. PJ is riding shotgun and his mum slams the trunk closed at the same time Phil jumps out of his car and runs over.

"What's going on? Please, wait!" Phil shouts as his mum starts to back out. She presses on the brakes and rolls her window down while Dan keeps his head turned away from Phil. 

"Now is not the time to be in my way young man. I can answer your questions after I get back home." She spits, and pulls out of the driveway quickly before driving off toward the hotel.

It's quiet for a few minutes until Dan's mum breaks it. 

"I shouldn't have lost my temper like that, but given the circumstances and how little time we have before your father gets home, I couldn't help it." His mum, normally kept together and appearances pristine, was slightly disheveled but still quite striking. 

He would always admire his mum, wishing he had her blue eyes instead of his father's mud brown, how her curly hair seemed so much more graceful than his own pigtail curls. It seemed as if her hair, usually held up in a tight bun was much more beautiful left loose and wild, just like her.

Saying goodbye to her was the hardest part of this experience, even if he would see her the day after.

His only thought as she pulled away was that he hoped she would leave her hair down more often.

The hotel room was silent and eerie until ten minutes later, like always, something other than him broke the silence. It was his phone, go figure.

He read through all of the others he received through the day.

_From Contact Louise: Phil told me to text you. Where are you? What happened between you two because everything I've heard seems ridiculous._

_From Contact Phil: are you skipping school?_   
_From Contact Phil: How bad did they hurt you?_

_From Contact PJ: Mate where r u?_

There were plenty more but he didn't care to read them all.

_From Contact Phil: Where did she take you? If you need someone to come and get you out of wherever you are just tell me._

_To Contact Phil: I'm fine, leave me alone._

_From Contact Phil: are you hurt_

Dan ignores it. 

-

_Dan can feel it throughout his body, the panic._

_Phil's holding onto him from behind, sweaty and content. He presses a kiss to Dan's temple and Dan resists the urge to flinch._

_Every settling noise the house makes is his parents footsteps barging in to pull the two of them away from each other. Every breath seems to be choking Dan, and his mind is screaming 'Any man who lays with another man like a woman is an abomination! We must resist these sins and temptations, protect our children!'. It's his father's voice, his preaching voice that projects and pulls an amen from the crowd._

_"Let, let me go Phil. You need to leave, take the condom. I can't, we can't-" The air in the room wasn't this thick earlier was it?_

_Phil's standing and trying to console him, and Dan flinches and presses himself as close to the wall as he can._

_"Get out, please, I-" I'm an abomination, he wants to say. "I'm sorry, please, take the condom we can't let them see." Phil's pulling his clothes back on and then he stalks off without a word, ignoring Dan's apologies and I love you's._

_Dan's shivering from his spot on the floor, every breath he breathes telling him that he's going to hell, his father's belt hitting him in the throat and his stomach multiple times, his back hitting the dresser over and over-  
_

"Room service!" Knock, knock, knock. Dan sits up quickly, not registering the pain until afterwards. 

"Come in." He calls, hoping they heard. The lock clicks and a tray is pushed in with a meal on it. 

Dan's heart is beating fast still from the dream and his skin is sticking to his shirt.

The service woman is quick and turns to leave until she stops herself by the door. "Do you need an ice pack, or medicine? I'm sorry for asking but you look a little banged up love." Dan is shocked at the statement and nods curtly. "I'll be back in a little while with the medicine and some ice."

Dan pulls his phone from its spot it had made under his pillow, but when he tries to turn it on he gets nothing but a blank screen.

He should definitely put it on the charger, so if his mum decides to text him before she shows up he'll see. 

Instead, Dan shoves it underneath his pillow once more and decides that an unexpected visit will be much more welcome than twenty or more text messages that he doesn't want to answer.

-

It's weird, staying in a hotel for such an o, it would be a different story, but no, he was in this room for a good week with nothing really to do other than sleep and go down to the private hotel pool when there was nothing on the television to watch.

His mum had visited once the day after she dropped him off, to assure that everything he needed for the next few weeks were accounted for.

The only issue was school, which his mum spoke to the school about. He would take online classes to make up for everything he would miss until the situation levelled out and he could come back.

Everything was planned out and all he had to do was complete a few assignments every day and then he could do whatever he wanted.

Except that now he had no one other than the maids and hotel crew to speak to. He had almost decided to text Chris of all people just to get a laugh, but ultimately decided against it. 

His phone received consistent messages from Phil and the odd 'where have you been' from other acquaintances. 

It's his fifth day at the hotel and he's completed all of his assignments for the day, and he's gone for a swim, ate his breakfast and lunch, and watched everything there was to watch on the telly. He was debating on whether or not to go back to the pool for a while when his phone buzzed.

_From Contact Phil: I know you're not wanting to talk to me but I think we both need to sit down and talk about everything from start to finish. Neither of us have closure and I'm frankly confused and scared and worried about you. Please message me back love._

Dan stares at it for a solid ten minutes, typing and re typing before he decides that he should never become a writer because his vocabulary scrambles in the best of times.

_To Contact Phil: if we talk you promise that if i want you to leave you'll leave_

_From Contact Phil: i swear on my mums life_

_To Contact Phil: Swear on your own life, your mum is a lovely woman._

He sends it with a familiar memory in his head of Phil's stupid smile that he has when he reads something he find funny. Dan hates how it's at the top of his mind when he's desperately trying to be mad at Phil. 

But he can't get the smile out of his head, the one that Phil tries his hardest to hold back by biting his tongue. 

_From Contact Phil: When and where can we talk?_

Dan sighs and looks up the address before sending it to Phil.

_To Contact Phil: Be here whenever. Room twenty six._

Dan throws his phone back on the bed and stares ahead at himself in the mirror.

Dan pulls his shirt off slowly, revealing the bruises and scratches across his chest and stomach and throat, all purple and green and yellow hues that were sickeningly thick.

He pulls his shirt back on and looks around, pulling out a drawer and staring at the brown bible laid inside. 

If he touches it, will it burn like his father told him he would? Dan's fingertips gently glide over it, making finger paths through the light layer of dust on its cover.

He picks it up and sits in the chair in the corner, flipping through pages until he lands on the same one he came to almost every night.

_you shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination_

_Bullshit_

He's almost shocked at himself for thinking it, but as he sits there, he knows he means it. He knows he means it because of the rest of the bible that he has read, of loving his neighbour as himself. 

Dan shuts the bible and puts it back in it's place, pages not to be opened for a good while until the next curious being opens it.

As he shuts the drawer he hears a knock, he looks through the provided peephole and sees Phil. Dan opens the door slower than needed really, and they stare back at one another.

Dan motions for Phil to come in, and so he walks right past him and sits down on Dan's untidy bed. 

Dan sits cross legged and leaned against the headboard of the bed while Phil sits cross legged at the foot of the bed. 

"I love you." Phil breathes, and then holds his breath as he waits for Dan to reply.

Dan wants to let himself go and crawl into Phil's waiting arms, but instead he relaxes his composure and answers, "I love you too." 

Phil let's out the breath he had been holding and scoots closer to Dan. 

"Let's just start from that night, okay? Clearly that's the root of everything right now." Phil suggests and Dan nods before clearing his throat.

"Everything about what we did was amazing and I regret none of it at all. But afterwards I started having a panic attack about religious bull and I was terrified. I tried to apologise the day after but you wouldn't talk to me. Then I go home that night hoping that things would maybe be calmer, but I'm sure you saw how most of that played out." Dan is surprised at how short the story really is when it's laid out as simply as that. 

But that's not really all there was to it, just the big, ugly basics.

Dan feels the flood welling up behind his eyes, and he looks down. 

"I've been fighting with myself since the beginning of us, trying not to hate myself, trying to deal with my own internal problems on top of it. And then he kept yelling the fucking word over and over and he kicked me out." Dan wipes away a tear violently, and Phil grabs the hand before Dan can set it back down. 

(It's crazy how one minute Dan's not sure if they're still in a relationship at all, and the next he's marvelling over how perfectly their hands slot together.)

Phil rubs circles into Dan's hand as he speaks. "I was terrified that you had suddenly changed your mind at the end, that I had unknowingly forced you into something. I was angry for so many idiotic things and I'm so sorry for leaving it there, I hate what it's caused." Phil looks up, but his eyes aren't on Dan's they're on Dan's neck.

Dan pulls his hands away and adjusts his shirt to try to cover it up, but Phil gently pulls his hand away. 

"Can I see?" Phil requests, voice barely above a whisper. Dan nods in reply, voice too shaky with emotion still.

Phil coaxes the shirt off of Dan's torso and his jaw clenches as he looks at them all, especially the ones on the top of his chest, a few inches from the ones laid across his chest. 

He carefully and delicately runs his finger over them, and Phil's hand finds a way up to his jaw. 

"I'm so sorry." Phil apologises, and Dan leans forward so their foreheads are touching.

"I love you."

"I love you."

Somewhere in the time he's there, Phil ends up behind Dan, arms wrapped around him.

They're both asleep when Dan's mum walks in, hair flowing freely. She stops in her tracks when she sees Phil and her son, her sons shirtless body laying on Phil's chest. 

She writes a quick note on the writing pad and sticks it to the door and pulls a blanket out from the closet to lay over them. 

Dan's Mum walks out as quiet as possible, hoping that her son is happy above all other things.

-

The next day they skirt around the tense topics and spend the day just enjoying each other's company.

"So how does this whole school thing work?" Phil asks, and Dan pulls the laptop towards them. 

Dan lay between Phil's legs, Phil's arms wrapped around his torso, head on Dan's shoulder as he watched him sign in. 

"Basically it's just the schoolwork we have to do at school, but with extra problems and it's all digitally. So I just have to like, I just do my work on a piece of scratch paper and then I make it look on the screen like it does on the paper. Then someone inside my laptop analyses it and grades me. Poof!" Dan recreates a mini explosion with his hands and Phil laughs, squeezing him a little tighter.

"Phil, can you let go please?" Dan asks quickly, tone tight. Phil let's go and realised what he had done- he'd unknowingly pressed too hard against one too many bruises. 

Phil scoots back and begins to apologise. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean-" Dan shuts him up by straddling his legs and pressing a quick and gentle kiss on his lips. "I'm sorry." Phil breathes, and he observes Dan's face. 

"It's okay, I'm okay." Dan studies Phil's face, which is creased with worry and thought. "Penny for your thoughts?" He asks meekly.

"Just your father." Dan looks away and moves off of Phil's lap, who sits up further. "Has he done things like this before?"

Dan runs his hand over his face. "Do we really have to talk about this?" 

"I'd really like to get this all out of the way." Phil murmurs, his index finger pulling Dan's into a little mini hand hug. 

Dan watches their hands as he speaks. "He only ever did it when I had really messed up. During my 'rebellious religious boy' phase i had so many welts across my back that I thought they may never go away. But he stopped, and it only resurfaced the other night. He's a strict man of the gospel, and he kept saying it and saying it-"

"Saying what love?" Phil tries to calm him down, seeing as his breathing began to shallow and his voice was getting shaky. 

"Abomination, over and over. The same fucking bible verse that haunted me for fucking months." Phil pulls his finger away and instead pulls Dan into his chest in a hug.

Phil let's Dan calm down in his arms, not saying a word. They sit there for what seems like hours, even if it was only a couple minutes, when Phil notices something.

"Dan, was that on the door when I got here?" Phil points at a yellow note stuck to the door. Dan sniffs and wipes his eyes before getting up to look at the note.

_Dan,_

_I don't know if Phil told you or if he was here for some other reason, but I've spoken to the Lester's about the situation and they're inviting you to live with them. We understand if you don't want to be that close to your father, but we cannot afford the hotel for much longer. Call me when you see this please._

_Mum  
_

Dan hand the note to Phil who looks up happily. "This is amazing Dan. You and I can stay together, oh my god." He pulls Dan's face toward him and Dan falls forward into Phil's arms. 

Dan holds onto Phil's hand and he wonders how anything that feels so right can be seen as so wrong. 

They lay there for hours before they get up to go and find food. It's almost sickening how perfect it all was, without people watching or judging them.

They swim, eat a little more, and find themselves back in the room around eight that night, Phil watching as Dan speaks happily over the phone to his Mum and Mrs. Lester, dimple deep and smile wide. 

Phil just stares, watching all of Dan's little quirks, and wonders how anyone could see Dan as an abomination, because to Phil, Dan is his everything.


End file.
